"Weirder Than Weird" 18 Bizarre Tales From a Disturbed Mind Read online

A door at the back of the lecture hall opened; a man wearing a trench coat and an overly large Fedora hat quietly stepped inside and took a seat by the back wall. At first glance, the occasion could have easily been construed as a gathering of bankers or maybe a board meeting simply by the appearance of the gentlemen present; all were quite distinguished looking and well-dressed but instead of a reserved and stodgy nature that one might associate with such a group, these gentlemen were most jovial and childlike, their conversations loud and interspersed with the occasional peal of buoyant laughter. There were eighteen of these well- seasoned souls all sitting in high back leather chairs forming a semicircle and directly in front of them was a thin bald gentleman standing at a podium.

  The man banged his gavel twice. “Order! Order!” he declared, and after a few moments the group quieted.

  “It’s very nice to see that everyone could make it today… by the grace of God there’s not an empty chair to mourn over this month!” This was followed by a murmur of agreement.

  “Now then, who will start the session off?”

  One of the old men stood and walked over to the podium among a scattering of applause. He adjusted the microphone and cleared his throat. “I don’t know about you gentleman, but my first business venture was an inauspicious one and came to me when I was just ten years of age. At the time I was totally enamored with comic books and did whatever I could to earn enough money in order to buy the latest edition of Superman, Dick Tracy or whatever struck my fancy that particular month. Now, you may recall yourself that in the back pages of those comics were various advertisements that made extraordinary claims, like for instance, X ray Glasses…remember those?”

  A few laughs and shouts came up from the group.

  “Remember how exciting it was for us young lads to have the ability to look right through a woman’s dress straight to her undergarments… and all for a mere buck twenty five!“

  They all laughed.

  “Of course… as you know, these items never did pan out as advertised, I speak with first-hand knowledge because I purchased just about every product ever displayed in those books at one time or another but I must say… one advertisement did finally deliver on its promise and I was sure at the time that it would make me very, very rich!

  “As it was, I placed an order for this particular product and was on pins and needles for the next few weeks as I eagerly awaited the arrival of my package. When it finally came I ran with it to the backyard, plopped down upon the ground and tore open the box. There inside, under a wad of newspaper, was a large envelope with the words “PUPPY SEEDS” marked in bold black letters. My heart jumped! Two weeks prior I had painstakingly prepared a small plot of soil in our back yard to receive these magical seeds, I carefully followed the instructions and, sure enough, within the next week or so I could see the sprouting of a most unusual type of plant. As they matured over the following days, each plant grew a thick rigid stalk and numerous pod- like structures poked out in all directions. Between school and my chores at home, I still managed to find time to lovingly nurse my plants to maturity and, to my great joy, it wasn’t long before they bore their promised fruit.

  “That night, I was asleep in my bedroom. It was very warm so I had the window open and at some point I heard a small squeak of a noise coming from outside my window. I immediately realized what it was and flew from the house with flashlight in hand. Sure enough, when I reached the garden, I could see a tiny figure squirming in the dark. With great joy I scooped a tiny puppy into my hand and heartily welcomed the little fellow into the world, but a second later I heard a slight thump as something hit the ground nearby which was simultaneously accompanied by a tiny yelp. I pointed my light in the direction of the sound and goodness me, wouldn’t you know, it was another puppy! I watched in amazement as a number of the pods slowly opened and invariably a little puppy would slide out and hit the ground causing a small yelp to erupt. I was overjoyed not only by the number being born in such a magical way but also by the variety the plants had to offer. There were Collies, Dobermans, Golden Retrievers, Saint Bernards, Basset Hounds, and just about every breed imaginable. As soon as one would blossom out, I would pick it up and place it in a pen that I had built just for the occasion.”

  “I was quite proud of the fact that I had planned every step in advance but it soon became obvious that the pen was inadequate to hold all of my little money makers since they arrived at such a hurried pace, so I hastily fashioned another pen out of old cinder blocks and chicken wire, but that too quickly filled to capacity. I was astonished by the prolific nature of the plants and it became clear that I would never be able to fully contain all of my little darlings. Our backyard was soon overwhelmed, then the front yard, then the sidewalk, and before I knew it, puppies were swarming over the entirety of our neighborhood in a cacophony of tiny squeaks and whimpers!

  “My neighbors were horrified by the never ending parade of puppies that encroached upon their perfectly manicured lawns and walkways and were so incensed that some of them threatened legal action against me if I didn’t put an end to this so called “Puppy Pollution.” I must admit that I was frightened stiff at the prospect of spending my promising youth in a jail cell. My parents were also on the verge of disowning me if I didn’t find some way to correct the situation… and fast!

  I ran back to the box that the seeds had come in and pored over the instructions once again, hoping to glean some answer to my predicament but I discovered nothing useful. I was contemplating running away from home when just by chance I spotted another envelope taped to the inside of the box, with the words, ‘OPEN IN CASE OF EMERGENCY’ written on it. I quickly tore open the envelope and breathed a sigh of relief, for I was now holding a smaller envelope with the words, ‘DOG CATCHER SEEDS.’”

  The old man smiled and gave a salute as the other members roared with laughter. He took his seat as the bald gentleman stepped back up to the podium with a chuckle.

  “Thank you, William, for that most unusual tale… now, who will…” He stopped suddenly as he noticed an unfamiliar man in the back of the room stand and make his way towards the exit.

  “Ah… Sir… I don’t believe we have had the pleasure!” the bald man shouted. All the members craned their necks to see who he was addressing.

  The man in the trench coat and Fedora hat turned back in embarrassment with large jowls and a face full of sagging skin. “Oh…I must apologize,” he said. “I just caught sight of your banner on the far wall…you gentleman of course belong to the ‘TALL TALE SOCIETY.’ I must have gotten the wrong room. Somewhere in this building, according to my pamphlet here, is a lecture on Genetic Experimentation and I am to be one of its guest speakers… please forgive my intrusion.”

  He turned to leave but the man at the podium yelled out, “But Sir!… we always appreciate and welcome having guest speakers ourselves!”

  “Hear! Hear!” came a number of voices from the group.

  “Would you not like to share a tale with us before you leave?”

  At hearing this, the man threw his head back and howled with laughter. “Sir, if you only knew the absolute irony behind what you have just said!” At that moment, the pamphlet dropped from the man’s hand and he bent over to pick it up, but as he did his hat fell off and two long floppy ears came tumbling down around his face and a stiff fuzzy white tail sprang freely from the back of his coat.

  There was an audible gasp from the group and a moment later, a gavel was pounding out order once again. “Now then…” said the bald man, turning back towards the group. “Anyone care to top that?”

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